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Breakups are hard no matter what, but they are even harder if the relationship was with a narcissist. You might not even realize he was a narcissist till just now. But here are few things you should know to be able to recognize one and to finally have some clarity because relationships with narcissists are confusing. The most important thing to know about narcissists is that they are all emotionally wounded people. It is usually some childhood trauma that affected them for life and prevented them from being emotionally available to anyone. Probably they have been feeling unappreciated and worthless in some period of their life which made them a constant seeker for validations by others. Relationship with another human being of any types is always complicated. Two people showing emotional weakness towards each other could be very complicated and difficult. But when we are talking about narcissists, the first thing we should know is that they do not proceed relationship as anyone else. To them, the relationship is only one way. A narcissist starts a relationship for only one reason: to feed on his own insecurities. Even when they might appear as someone with a strong personality, narcissists are actually very vulnerable and insecure people under their protective shell.

But if they are so insecure why is so easy to fall in love with them?

When a narcissist meets someone for the first time they project what their idealized self would look like and who won’t fall in love with someone so charismatic and independent. The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist is like a fairytale story. They are great manipulators and what they focus on the beginning is getting to know your biggest dreams and fears, so later they can be used it against you. The narcissist has the need to always feel he is in control and therefore they absorb and learn everything about their partner in a way a predator will do about their prey. They would show a great interest of you and will make you feel important to them but this won’t last long.

What happens when they get you hooked?

They’re drawn to someone who’s emotionally expressive and nurturing — qualities they lack. Vulnerable feelings, especially shame, sadness, and fear, are relegated to their unconscious. At the minute the narcissist get the feeling he won you over they lose the interest of projecting their best self-image and the rollercoaster of hell begins. Once they feel you are hooked they would start to project their own insecurities and things they don’t like about themselves on you. For example:

• If a narcissist feels insecure about his look, he would start making comments about the way you dress up. The makeup you are wearing or not wearing, the way you present yourself in public, etc. Because of their own insecurities and the fear of not being liked by others they would treat you in the exact way they do not want to be treated.
• If a narcissist has fear of not being able to be loved they would keep blaming you for not loving them and they will treat you in the exact way they would not want to be treated. Even when they would be telling you they love you and will do anything for you they would not take any actions of showing you that.
• If a narcissist has a fear of not being good at something they would start criticizing you about everything. It’s very unlikely to get a compliment from them if you do something correctly and even then the compliment will be followed by criticism. Very often you would hear “You done so well, but next time you should do…..”

Narcissists are hypersensitive to any perceived challenge to their illusion of being the best, and often see slights where none exist. Their biggest fear is being considered a fraud, having their shortcomings revealed, their opinions or authority questioned. They fear someone finding how insecure they are deep inside and they will do what it takes to prop up their image and block negative feedback. In their arrogance, they can be dismissive and rude, including projecting their shortcomings on others. They will always find a way to point the finger at you and make you believe it was all your fault. Narcissists are great manipulators and they would always find a way to make you feel bad at putting them on the hot spot and telling them that their actions hurt you. Very often they would twist any story and select only details that would justify their behavior or make them look like a victim. For example:

• If they lied to you or cheat on you, they would say they are sorry but then they would find excuses to justified it. They would do it in a way that would make you feel you pushed them to do so. The narcissist has a lack of empathy, therefore, they can never be understanding of your feelings and would never take responsibilities of the outcome from their actions. To them their actions are justified and they have a perfect explanation for themselves. If they do not believe you should be hurt or affected by their actions it would not matter even if you are screaming the opposite to them. Sometimes you might hear “’I really want to change, I know I’m not perfect.’ They have these moments where they sort of admit fault, but they never actually follow through or believe it. Most often they would say it in a moment when they feel they are losing control over their partner and need to pull them back in.
• The same applies if they did not keep a promise. Narcissists very often would make any promises you would like to hear but will never attempt to keep it. They would wait for you to confront them about it and then use it to make you feel it was your fault and that they really wanted but you did not allow them with your actions. Remember in their head they truly believed that they did everything they could and the only reason for not completing it must be you. A narcissist would never see or even consider that he did not try hard enough or that he was incapable. He believes he is the best and the problem must be in someone else.

Why is a relationship with a narcissist so toxic?

• A narcissist would never give you constructive criticism as a way to help you. They will nitpick on you and demean you just so they can make you double the effort to please them. Telling them you do not like a particular criticism won’t stop them, instead, they will increase their comments on the subject as this would be guaranteed way to hurt you.
• If you are feeling successful in a project of yours or just feeling great accomplishing something, they would try to sabotage you and they will enjoy raining on your parade. Not being able to feel their own success they would feel envious of you and will try to take it away from you.
• They will guilt you when they do not get what they want. If you are out with friends and having fun while they are stuck at work or have no one around them to entertain them, they would make comments to make you feel bad about them.
• After they mistreat you they would try to get you to feel sorry for them. They would try to play the victim to avoid any responsibility for their actions.  
• Narcissists and toxic people believe that other people exist to serve them. They would always make you feel you are below them and will try to devalue your knowledge in any possible way. Most often they would ask you a question of what you think or who you feel, but would not wait for your answer. They would only ask questions that they are interested in talking themselves.
• They engage in pathological lying and infidelity. Lying comes easily to them and so does betrayal. They engage in a number of indiscretions and affairs, all while leading a double life. Their public image and facade rarely match the person they really are behind closed doors. When someone gets close to see the real personality in them, they would end the relationship
• They never want to be held responsible for being adults; they want to be coddled like children. If they made a mistake, they’ll inevitably accuse you and claim you’re the problem. They would expect from you to forgive every mistake they made but just dare to make a mistake on your own… they would chop your head off for being imperfect.
• They are super sensitive to feedback and even if you do it gently they would still get defensive. After a while behavior like that would make you feel walking on eggshells all the time.
• They will give you the silent treatment quite often. The silent treatment is harmful because it affects the same area of the brain that registers physical pain. The silent treatment allows them space to commit whatever treason they’re engaging in behind your back while making you feel undesirable – it also helps them to evade any discussions about their unacceptable behavior. They might even bring the same treatment in bed and refuse to have sex with you.
• They abandon you in times of illness or when you need them – even though you’ve always been there for them. When you need them they would just disappear and find all kind of excuses for not being there for you. They would even turn the table around and blame you for being needy when they are busy with work, they might even walk the extra mile and blame you for not being clear expressing your needs and desires in the “right “ way.

There are so many more symptoms and situations to recognize a narcissist or a toxic person, but this will give you a clear idea. If you are reading this article, you probably know deep inside yourself that you have not been treated the right way. Even if your boyfriend/girlfriend is not a narcissist but you do relate to a few of this situations you should get out of this relationship asap. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, compassion and most important to feel loved and wanted; to feel worth the whole world for someone. If you read this and you do find yourself that you done some of this things don’t be ashamed, we are all to some extend narcissists and done few of this things at times on our journey to better ourselves. Stop blaming everything and everyone for the way you feel and take control over your life. You are not responsible for fixing anyone else but you. Start dealing with your own insecurities and stop trying to fix the other. Practice self-respect and do not tolerate any behavior that would harm you emotional or physical. You are the creator of your own life and no one but you should have the power to direct the way you live it.