I’m a traveler and what many people would say living the dream kind of person. I live my life on the road and not having a solid plan what tomorrow would look like. To many people, this looks like a dream life….but there are many dark shadows behind……The suicide news of Anthony Bourdain shocked me and affected me in a way I didn’t even though it would. He was my inspiration, the person I was looking at every time when I was down. He was my straight but yet had the same witness. We all had some level of depression in our lives. For some people the depression is mild and they can shake it off with a great afternoon at the shopping mall or at the spa, for guys that could be at the golf course or fishing. Normally when we are down we like doing things we love and this cheers us up. But what do you do when your work and live is doing what you love? What happens then? What can you do when everyone has this great expectation of you and everywhere you turn everyone is telling you what a wonderful life you are living. But yet you don’t feel that happy. When you are exhausted by the 15 h plane ride, but then your luggage gets lost and the hotel you booked is oversold…what do you do then. You can not help yourself but feeling down and needing some compassion by the people that matter in your life. 
You call your family and tell them the story just to hear back “ I know you got that!! You are a rock star!”. How do you tell them that you are weak and you are not anywhere as strong as they think you are? How do you tell them that what to them look like a dream life to you feels like hell right now? How do you tell them that you want to run and hide and just be weak for a day or two? You can not….You showed them you can be strong for so long that now they would no longer let you be weak. They believed in you and now you can not let them down. So you just distance yourself and pretend everything’s ok. Reply “ Yeah I got that” and stuff this feeling of weakness deep down your chest. Then day by day this dark feeling grow inside you day by day and then you feel even more alone. You feel your close friends and family no longer see who you truly are. All they can see is their dream projection on you. You start having difficulty going to sleep because your nightmares of ending alone and being misunderstood would chase you there. Next step, trying to drown those sorrows in alcohol, drugs or in many cases sex. 
You are hoping any of this would help and you would start feeling the way everyone is expecting you. You are no longer scared that you won’t be understood. Now you are at a stage where you are feeling ashamed of your feelings. You are ashamed of the way you act but it feels too late to change. You can no longer remember what it feels like waking up with a smile and feeling you are worth it but to avoid disappointment you put this mask on your face and keep pretending you are this cheerful person everyone wants to see.
At night you take the mask off and start playing different stories in your head of the potential “ways out” of this life you are living that is not yours. Ideas of how your family and friends would be so much better without you start sneaking in and you are on your way to the drug cabinet checking on what pills could put you out of your misery or at least scream out loud to your friends and family that you need help. You need that help so desperate but you are feeling no one is understanding you and they would judge you and run away if you explain what really is growing inside you. Only the thought of hurting the people you love is stopping you from taking this final step. You can not stand the pain from picturing your loved one having to grief for you and not able to do all these things you always wanted to do together.
You put yourself back into this happy mood and try to pretend even better…..Unfortunately for many people, the pretending game does not work and in moments of loneliness and weakness they lose hope and find what they believe their only way out…..But how can you stop this… ?How can you stop feeling alone and that you are not worth it? How can you change your perception of yourself? It is not going to be easy and you won’t be able to do it alone. You would need everyone you love and loves you to help you out. Trust me letting other people know how you are feeling is the first step. If you share with one person and you feel they don’t understand you or if you feel they do not support you don’t stop there. Go and tell another one. If need, organize a friend/family meeting and tell them at once. Find little things that give you pleasure. Try to exercise more. Healthy body=happy soul. Spend some time in nature and reconnect with your inner self. Instead of picturing what your family and friend would look like without you trying to do the opposite. Try to picture what you would do without them and the pressure of doing your best. Try to separate the feelings of failure in the eyes of other and start looking for what success means to you. Remember you do not live your life for other people, you live it for yourself. No matter how dark is now if you wait long enough the light will always shine again. Just see each day as its own battle that makes you stronger. Bring what you learn today to your happiness tomorrow. It’s perfectly fine to feel weak and to ask for help. You should not be ashamed or scared. You are not alone and there are so many more people like you. You might be sitting next to one just right now. Look around and I can tell you at least half the people you are seeing suffered from some kind of depression in their lives. Why do you think people are so freaked out when you tell them you are depressed and just try to cover it up with anything that would come first to their mind? Most definitely everyone had some type of depression episode of their life and none of them want to go back there and the best way for them is to pretend it never existed. It is time for all of us to stop pretending and just tell everything the way it is and accept that we will have weak moments in our lives because we are humans. We are not robots and can not just turn our feelings off. Just tag along till the sun rises up again and try to look at the bright side. You are worth it and if the person next to you does not see it, I’m sure the next person coming your way will do. Stay strong and keep fighting with depression!!! Be there for you and the person next to you.
